WHAT IS AN IDENTITY CRISIS?
The American Psychological Association defines identity crisis as a phase of life marked by experimentation, changing, conflicting, or newly emerging values, and a lack of commitment to one’s usual roles in society (especially in work and family relationships).
THE START OF MY IDENTITY CRISIS
After graduating from college, transitioning from student to employee seemed seamless at the time. However, it turns out that I was in for a rude awakening months later. Before I graduated college, I did not have a clear plan on what I wanted to do with my future. After getting my degree, I thought that the world was mine, and I would have no problems finding a job. Boy, was I wrong! After months of trying to find a job in my field of study to no avail, I began to get frustrated as reality began to set in eventually. I looked and looked until I eventually gave up searching with as much enthusiasm as when I started. I ended up settling for a job that I never wanted in the first place. Months turned into years of working at a job I didn’t like, and throughout that time, part of me was concerned about my future, but not enough to take action, not yet anyway. I had times when I was seriously depressed. I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how to start. Then one day, something changed.
WHAT IGNITED MY DESIRE TO CHANGE
“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” – Tony Robbins
For two and a half years, I stayed comfortable in a job that wasn’t serving me because I was too scared to move beyond my comfort zone. Until one day, the weight of my decisions over the past two years began to catch up to me, and I knew I had to do something, anything. I went from wanting to change to being desperate for change. Why? Because I felt like I was missing out on life. Even though I didn’t have a clear vision for my future after college, I knew I wanted more out of life, and working at the place I was; was never going to give me that. I finally became so uncomfortable with where I was in life that I decided to change my ways.
THE JOURNEY OF SELF DISCOVERY BEGINS
One of the most significant steps I took to start changing my life was to read. Reading personal development books has been one of the most impactful decisions in my journey of growth and change. The first personal development book I read is Atomic Habits by James Clear. Atomic Habits is such a great book, and I can not recommend this book enough. The first time I read it, I did not yet have the emotional intelligence to truly grasp that the answer to my identity crisis and several other challenges I was facing at the time was in that book. But reflecting on my journey this past year and the book itself, that was for an apparent reason. Change takes time. Growth takes time.
FEELING MORE LIKE MYSELF
As time went on, I continued to read and learn from personal growth books. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn more. I was more than curious at this point; I was genuinely interested. I wanted to learn more about personal growth and development. Topics including habits, mindset, productivity, and confidence piqued my curiosity. The more I learned, the more I wanted to write. Developing a reading habit made me miss writing. I wanted to start writing again. I wanted to share my perspective and thoughts on how these topics were helping me change my life, so I did.
THE ANSWER TO MY IDENTITY CRISIS
Starting a blog was one of the best decisions on my growth journey. This blog has played an integral part in helping me change and challenge myself. Since I was young, I’ve always loved to write. Even though I didn’t have plans for what I wanted to do after college, I knew that I wanted to pursue a career in writing. I’ve been telling people that I will start a blog for years. That’s what I originally planned to do while figuring out my next move post-graduation. But it turns out that writing is hard. Without accountability and strong enough reasons, I ended up procrastinating on starting a blog longer than I should have. I had to fall in love with reading again before falling back in love with writing. I started this blog to share my ideas, thoughts, and what I’m learning along the way. But, my reasons for why I write go deeper than that. Writing has helped me process my emotions, learn faster, find my voice, develop emotional intelligence, and build trust and confidence in myself; writing has helped me remember who I am at my very best.
WHY DID I HAVE AN IDENTITY CRISIS?
Transitioning from student to just employee was a significant change in my life. For the last 18 years, I have identified as a student. Being a student was such a big part of my identity that when that chapter of my life was over, I didn’t know who I was anymore, nor did I take the time to try and figure out who I wanted to be. One of the most fundamental questions in personal development is, “what kind of person do you want to become?” In Atomic Habits, James Clear states
“You can’t get too attached to one version of yourself; progress requires unlearning; becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs and upgrade and expand your identity.”
After I graduated, I stopped acting like a student. I stopped learning, growing, and challenging myself. As a result of my poor choices, day by day, decision after decision, I became a less than stellar version of myself. “Our identities shape our habits, and our habits become who we are.” I had an identity problem that was slowly morphing into a crisis once I decided to face it.
THE BELIEFS THAT LED TO MY IDENTITY CRISIS
Our beliefs shape our thoughts and actions. My parents, society, expectations, and experiences all played a role in my beliefs about the traditional education system. For as long as I can remember, I was raised to believe that education was the key to success. For eighteen years, I believed that if I just worked hard in school and did my best that I was guaranteed to succeed in life. I worked hard in school; I was an A & B student; I challenged myself, put in the work, and did my absolute best. I thought I would be guaranteed an excellent job once I got my degree. When that turned out not to be the case, the reality of life started sinking in. Instead of challenging my belief about what it takes to be successful, I held on to that misguided belief about the traditional education system long after it stopped serving me or who I wanted to be. I ended up settling for a job and a life that I never envisioned for myself.
HOW I COULD HAVE AVOIDED MY IDENTITY CRISIS
I now realize that I could have taken a series of steps to avert my crisis in the first place. Here are four steps I could have taken shortly after graduation to avoid my identity crisis.
STEP 1 – RADICAL HONESTY AND ACCEPTANCE
The only way I was ever going to start changing my actions was to change my beliefs. I needed to recognize and accept that my beliefs about standard education were false and misguided. The first step to change is radical honesty. In Atomic Habits, James Clear states,
“It’s impossible to change your habits if you don’t change the beliefs that led to the behavior. You can set all the goals and make all the plans in the world, but if you don’t change who you are as a person, you will almost always go back to who you were before.”
As much as I wanted to start a blog right after graduating, I was still holding on to the belief that finding a job with my degree wasn’t going to be as difficult. It would take a couple of years to finally get radically honest with myself and be motivated enough to start a blog.
STEP 2 – DECIDE WHAT TYPE OF PERSON I WANT TO BE
I needed to decide what kind of person I wanted to become. The truth is this could have been an easy step, but without step one, I couldn’t easily accomplish step two. However, once I was radically honest with myself, I could move forward and start making the tiny changes that would eventually lead to significant results. Deciding what type of person I wanted to become is where the journey of self-discovery started. I started to reconnect with my core values and beliefs. I started to discover what was most important to me and why. Who am I at my core without my label as “student?” Once I figured out the answer to this question, I started to take action and make tiny changes that would eventually lead to some earth-shattering breakthroughs. James Clear states
“Breakthrough moments are often the result of many previous actions which build up the potential required to unleash major change.”
STEP 3 – CRAFTED A VISION FOR WHERE I WANTED TO GO
If I had kept up my learning habit instead of trading it in for a Netflix habit, I would have probably seen career opportunities sooner rather than later. However, since I didn’t have the drive to figure out steps one and two, there was no way to get to steps three, four, or five. A compelling future is critical to getting to where you want to go. Seek clarity by asking questions. In his book High-Performance Habits, Brendon Burchard states
“You don’t have clarity; you generate it. You generate clarity by asking questions, researching, trying new things, sorting through life’s opportunities, and sniffing out what is right for you. Clarity is the child of careful thought and mindful experimentation, it comes from asking yourself questions continually and further refining your perspective on life.”
STEP 4 – COME UP WITH STRONG REASONS
After gaining clarity on what I wanted, I needed to develop compelling reasons. ” I needed solid reasons for why I wanted to get to where I was going. As Jim Rohn states, “
“When the why is clear, the how is easy.”
You need strong reasons to drive you to your destination when you want to achieve anything. Life is tough, but with strong enough reasons, you can do anything. For example, my compelling reason for doing well in school was getting my degree, making my parents proud, and getting a good job, thereby living up to society’s standards.
When only two out of those three goals met my standards and expectations, that’s when I realized that I needed to change. James Clear perfectly sums up my mistake in Atomic Habits stating.
“When all your hard work is focused on one particular goal (get a degree), what is left to push you forward after you achieve it? This is why many people find themselves reverting to their old habits after accomplishing a goal (Netflix and Chips). Ultimately it is your commitment to the process that will determine your progress.”
I was so focused on just getting my degree and graduating that I completely stopped making progress once I did.
STEP 5 – MAKE A PLAN
“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” – Jim Rohn
I constantly beat myself up about not planning for the future before I graduated, but the truth is everything that has happened to me over the past four years was all part of God’s plan. I had to go through what I went through to see the error of my ways. My beliefs about traditional education were flawed. Until I could accept reality and start changing, there was no way I’d be able to make the kind of progress or plans that I wanted to make. I needed to reframe my beliefs about traditional education and define what success meant to me. As Tony Robbins says, I needed to “raise my standards.” Once I could do that, I could plan for my future.
HOW I STARTED TO RESHAPE MY IDENTITY
Once I was radically honest with myself and accepted the reality of where I was, I started to make tiny changes that helped me reshape my identity. In Atomic Habits, James Clear states that “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become” I started casting votes for my desired identity. I decided to be the type of person who read books, so I bought Atomic Habits and devoured that book from cover to cover. I wanted to be the kind of person who is always learning, so I prioritized listening to something informative or inspirational every day. I wanted to be the kind of person that spends time with God every day, so I made it a priority to pray and connect with God, I wanted to be the kind of person who made progress and challenged herself, so I made it a priority to focus on growth and change, every day. All these positive votes for my desired identity added up to produce one heck of a transformational year.
FIVE QUOTES THAT CHALLENGED MY BELIEFS ABOUT TRADITIONAL EDUCATION AND HELPED ME REDEFINE SUCCESS
“Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune.” – Jim Rohn
Progress is what is going to make you happy in the long run. Don’t stop making progress. There is nothing like progress to create momentum. – Tony Robbins
“When you want to learn something, you don’t try to figure it out on your own; you learn from others.” Sometimes we get stuck in the tranny of how, when there is a who that’s out there and already done what you are trying to figure out. – Dean Graziosi
“Success is the product of daily habits—not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.” – James Clear
“The common denominator of the most successful people in the world is HUNGER. Hunger means that you will never settle for less than you can do, be, share, create, or give in your life. Never stop learning and growing. – Tony Robbins
HOW THE GIFT OF PERSPECTIVE SOLVED MY IDENTITY CRISIS
The way we view ourselves, the people around us, and the world, in general, is what shapes our thoughts and guides our actions. To overcome my limiting belief and move forward with my future, I needed a tremendous amount of perspective. Perspective from several different vantage points helped me overcome my limiting belief. I was desperate and hungry for answers to my problem. With enough persistence and drive, I got the perspective I needed, which ultimately led to the massive breakthrough that solved my crisis. I will explore my identity crisis from three perspectives in the following sections. I will also share some valuable insights from learning how to view problems differently.
MY IDENTITY CRISIS FROM A PERSONAL GROWTH PERSPECTIVE
Two people, in particular, have had the most significant impact on my transformation journey. Business and life strategist Tony Robbins and author and entrepreneur Dean Graziosi have helped me completely reshape my worldview. Last May, I was introduced to Tony and Dean through the Own Your Future Challenge. The challenge was the largest online challenge in history, with nearly one million registrants. The Own Your Future Challenge was unlike anything I’ve ever been a part of; it was an unforgettable experience. I’ve been a part of Tony and Dean’s community for the past eight months. Throughout that time, they’ve challenged my beliefs like never before. They helped me reshape how I view myself, other people, and the world around me. They also gave me the perspective and tools I needed to achieve my breakthroughs.
MY IDENTITY CRISIS FROM A FAITH-BASED PERSPECTIVE
My faith has been tested throughout my journey of growth and change. I questioned God’s intentions for my future multiple times. Reflecting on all that had to happen to reach my breakthrough moment, I now see that it was all part of His plan. God didn’t want me to stay comfortable where I was. He needed me to grow and change. God had to shake up my life in a big way and cause several disruptions for me to be given the gift of perspective. When I would get super depressed about my future and anxiety would take over, I would always try to pray away my problems. I tried to pray away my identity problem for years. I wouldn’t receive the answer to my prayers until I shifted my perspective on the issue. Once I shifted my perspective and started looking at my problem as presents from God to help me grow, rather than punishments, I was able to identify the solution and start making changes. God loves me, and He is and always has been working on my behalf. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
MY IDENTITY CRISIS FROM A STRENGTHS PERSPECTIVE
“The primary reason your brain remembers the past is to better predict what will work in the future.” – Atomic Habits
In 2013, I had the privilege of learning about my strengths through the Clifton Strengths Finder Assessment. Learning about my strengths gave me incredible insights into my personality and helped me understand why I am the way I am on a deeper level. When I found out what my Top 5 strengths were, I was so obsessed with the strengths movement that I wanted everyone to be obsessed and excited about it. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a glimpse into my future, a sneak peek into the world of personal development.
MY TOP 5 THEMES IN 2013:
- Harmony
- Belief
- Restorative
- Consistency
- Futuristic
I RETOOK THE STRENGTHS FINDER IN 2018, AND THESE WERE MY NEW TOP 5 THEMES:
- Input
- Learner
- Belief
- Responsibility
- Harmony
Discovering my strengths in 2013 and 2018 plays a massive role in understanding why my identity crisis occurred in the first place and what had to happen for me to unleash my breakthrough. You see, harmony and belief are opposite from each other. These two themes are like husband and wife, mother and father, brother and sister. They couldn’t be more opposite. On the one hand, harmony is all about avoiding conflicts and looking for areas in agreement, while my belief theme is all about my unchanging core values, what I stand for, and what drives me to take action. When I got my bachelor’s degree, my expectations of how easy things would be did not match the reality of how hard life was regardless of a college degree. Until I took the time to reflect upon who I was at my best in the past and continued making progress, there was no way I could be at peace with myself. My two core themes were at war with each other, and until they could get into alignment with each other, none of my other themes could thrive. I couldn’t thrive. Look at it this way, opposites attract. Until husband and wife could agree with each other, none of their children could thrive. I want to reiterate what I could have done to avoid this problem.
- I Accepted reality, then raised my standards and redefine what success means to me (reframe belief)
- Continue to live in alignment with my other core values and strengths (continue good habits, learning, progress, growth)
- My plans that I didn’t even know God had waiting for me would have ultimately come true, but God had to bring me to my problems for Him to see me through them. I’m grateful for all I’ve gone through because it is a learning experience that helped me grow and become smarter, stronger, and more resilient.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Three lessons I would tell my younger self is:
- Seek clarity; it’s essential to ask yourself questions and answer them with honesty and vulnerability; that’s how change happens
- Master your mindset and emotional triggers (distractions). Distractions are all around, and if we don’t build the self-awareness to be aware of them, we can quickly lose sight of what matters most.
- Lastly, learn to LOVE what you do so much that it doesn’t feel like work because that’s how you can reach your full potential and serve people at the highest level.
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